Yasmina Reality

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As My Firstborn Graduates

As My Firstborn Graduates

By on May 25, 2016 in personal stories

When I was pregnant for the first time, I couldn’t believe a baby would be in my arms at the end of the journey. My friend even had to keep reminding me that yes … a real baby will be yours at the end of this journey.

And then she arrived and I was dissociated from the little being that came out of me as I writhed in pain from a slight complication. I felt awkward and out of place.

Until the next morning when I was stabilized and they brought her to me and we were alone. And I stared at her face. And I saw my face, my husband’s face, my father’s face- my baby, my flesh and blood. And then that’s when it happened. The bond took hold.

I was the lioness staring at her cub. I fell hard. Badly, deeply. No one- not anyone was going to hurt this child. Over my dead body. Don’t even look at her. This is my baby. I fell so in love- a feeling that is indescribable. It is all consuming and other worldly.

My mother mothered me deeply- and now that was manifesting into the next generation of mothering.

It seems yesterday I sat at the kitchen table, rubbing my belly. In a quiet house. No kids running around. No drama. Just the clock ticking. I leafed through the baby name book.

I sat and chose her name. I worked out all of the possible spellings. And chose just the perfect one.

I enjoyed every moment of her milestones (except potty training. Potty training sucks ass.) But All the other ones- I enjoyed. Talking, crawling, walking, being a tiny adult by the time she was 4. Preschool, girl scouts, gymnastics, Sunday school, changing her outfit 10 times a day. Wearing the same outfit for 3 days straight. Every phase – every area of growth. Watching my beautiful angel emerge into this creative, confident, colorful, aesthetic, spiritual, moral, funny, smart, loving human being.

And now she is graduating 8th grade. I can’t deal.

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I can’t deal with watching her go through these milestones- to the point that I want to go to sleep and wake up when the celebrations are over. They hit my emotional core THAT hard. THAT deeply.

But I will push through for her – because that is what mothers do. We do whatever it takes. Whenever it takes. However it takes. To be there for their moments in life. To guide, support, cheerlead, scold, remind, encourage, and laugh with them all of the way.

My dear sweet daughter. You are my soul. I love you so much- that I can’t describe in words what I feel for you. You are my heart. You are a gift. The greatest gift Allah could have given me. You are the reason I became a mother. The blessing that you are is one I cannot ever repay to Allah except to thank Him every day for putting you into my life.

I will stay with you until my dying breath. Through your every milestone, small or large. I will bite my lip as hard as it takes to keep the tears at bay. I’ll try not to embarrass you. 😉 And I will continue to laugh with you every day. Every day that you will give me the privilege of being in your life.

Congratulations on your milestone. On your graduation day. I love you so much, Lee Lee!!  SO MUCH!!!  The sky is the limit. The world is yours, my dear. Take it. Don’t let anyone – ever – tell you ‘no- you can’t do it.’ You CAN do it. You will, insha’Allah, do whatever you put your mind to.

Graduate-cap-and-diplomaRemember what our faith teaches. No one is above you – except in piety. Don’t let the ego of those in love with the dunya shade your light. You are light. I named you after light. It’s who you are. I demand it.

Your spirit is a gift to this world. I untighten the chord just a little bit right now- as you venture further out into the world – and into your own. I just hope I will always and forever be the mother that you want in your life. That you long to see and talk to. I promise not to smother you. I promise always to encourage you and be your shoulder. No matter what.

I’ll always be here for you. For whatever you need. That is how we roll. My life. My Exalted Light. That is what I named you. That is what you are.  It’s time for the next phase of your journey. Alhamdulillah.

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About the Author

About the Author: I'm a Writer and Muslim Activist. I'm also a Board Member of the #MyJihad Public Education Campaign. Follow my blog at yasminareality.com or follow me on Twitter: @yasmina_reality. I'm also now on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/YasminaReality Peace! .

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