My Non-American Friends, It’s Black Friday in America
My non-American friends, my country is preparing for black Friday this week. Black Friday is the day after the Thanksgiving holiday when corporate retailers typically, allegedly, aim-to-be “in the black” or realize their corporate profit goals which rely a lot on the Christmas shopping season.
Today, as I pulled the mail out of my mailbox, it was a little bulkier than normal. That is because retailers that I did not solicit, sent me their black Friday ads. They send these to the homes of American people – through their automated marketing and consumer systems in addition to sending ads to us in every electronic medium available, television, internet and of course- billboards. Heck, I’m already getting text messages from corporate retailers about ‘door buster’ sales. (You know. Door busters. A term coined to model the situations where human cattle bust through doors and trample their brethren to be one of the select few lucky winners of the potential to buy a 40 inch television set for $199.99 Plus tax.)
And I, as a human component to the corporateacracy of the United States of America, as a critical cog in the zombie-wheel that is required to keep the system churning and keep CEOs in their vacation homes- I am required to receive the mail and feel a sense of zeal.
Half Price! ^^^^^ Door Busters!
Shop before 10:00 a.m. for the best deals of the year!
The zeal I am to experience is supposed to propel me into a sense of fervor. This fervor is what the corporate retailers count on when they create the buzz around their sales. Through the ads they mail to our homes. And through the billboards. And the text messages. And the internet. Said fervor is the key to creating the door busting hysteria that our corporateacracy counts on to keep the American dream alive! (For corporations.) Because as I am tripping a mom from the other side of town for the latest Pokemon Z-Ring Interactive Play Set and yanking it out of another mom’s fingers … (hey, I got it first- sucks to be them ..) the sales projections are up on co
mputer screens somewhere in a corporate office and executives are giving nods of approval for the bonuses to be handed out to the elite recipients of the spoils of the consumerism cycle.
As Americans get the day off of work to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday we were trained in the public school system as children to represent the peaceful and loving breaking of bread that took place between the pilgrims that came to the new world on the Mayflower and the indigenous, native-American population (that we find out as adults were actually victim to one of the worst genocides in human history,) we eat turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, yams and pumpkin pie. We essentially carb load like a mutha while we hang with family talking politics and sports and fight with each other about whose turn it is to clean out mom’s gutters. And we feign normalcy while Uncle Joe’s new girlfriend says something horribly xenophobic.
And you know- we are innovative in America! 
haha! That’s right!
Because shhhh- don’t let on to everyone – but we don’t even have to wait any longer for black Friday!
hahaha
We got this stuff figured out well before any other less advanced nations on this planet.
We have midnight madness! And pre-midnight-post-gorging-like-the-pigs-that-we are madness!
Aww man- but it’s EPIC!
That’s right. In America, most retailers open their doors for deals ON Thanksgiving! Woo Hoo! You don’t even need to wait until black Friday any longer! You can work off all that food you ate by ditching Grandma at the sweets table and heading to Best Buy for gadgets! Glorious, Apple or dreadfully incomparable but still equally overpriced gadgets!
As an American citizen and consumer, I play an important role in this country. It is my spending of what little money the corporate overlords, politicians and bureaucrats have left for the middle class to earn a living by after it is whittled down by tax deductions that keep our corporateacracy going. (It’s not like I could work at a manufacturer. hahahahaha. Silly- we outsource our manufacturing to other countries so that we could take advantage of slave labor to ensure our CEOs REALLY get the bang for their bonus buck.)
The corporations ARE America. Land of the Free! (With any purchase.) I mean- look at Hillary. I’m sick of hearing people bitch about her too – but she is so loyal to our corporateacracy that she became a zillionaire by accepting bribes- sorry- I mean speaking-engagement-fees, from corporate America and by giving welfare to Wall Street. Hell- if it weren’t for the likes of shoppers like me going out on our sacred holiday of Thanksgiving or on the coolest shopping day of the year, black Friday and spending my pay check on bath oils, iPhones and acrylic sweaters made in China, Hillary would never have it so good!
And wait!
There’s more!
If I come down with influenza on Thanksgiving and black Friday, no need to worry! There is always cyber Monday! There are awesome coupon codes and internet-busting deals you can get online. In fact- cyber Monday really is EVERY DAY starting — well — NOW! Until Christmas! And even days or weeks after Christmas! Heck- retailers ensure that I am feeling zeal and fervor from now until well after new year’s to ensure that I do my part as a good steward of my place as a cog in the wheel of our American corporateacracy.
So to my non-American friends, I hope I have given you a glimpse into the importance of black Friday and my role as an American consumer. I mean- I’m special! I know I am! Without me, damnit, America might look like some place like, oh- I don’t know. Sweden! Screw that noise! Sure, they provide 80 days of paid parental leave and subsidized daycare, but na na na na boo boo! I’m done having kids. hhahahahahaahahhhhhha Suckers.
About the Author
About the Author: I'm a Writer, Speaker and Muslim Activist. I'm a former Board Member of the #MyJihad Public Education Campaign.
Follow my blog at yasminareality.com or follow me on Twitter: @yasmina_reality. I'm also now on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/YasminaReality
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